Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
