I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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