Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
