So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
