im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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