theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize