god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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