I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
