dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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