When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
