Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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