awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
