I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
