I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
