I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
