Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
