i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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