I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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