Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
