I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
