i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
