my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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