so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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