I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
