i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
