she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
