When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
