Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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