You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
