this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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