I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
