So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
