Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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