Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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