Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
