haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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