You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
