I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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