are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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