You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
