God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
