I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you would pick up someone in the library
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
