I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I cut my penus on the lid.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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