I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
only you would photoshop your dick
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
