I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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