Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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