Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
