I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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