I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
