funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
