you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
