Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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