When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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