there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize