Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
